Saturday, 26 May 2007

The Miller-Collins scale

I scored 72 out of 80 on the Miller-Collins scale when I was tested. The testers, two youngish men with facial hair more suitable to people thirty years older than them (when I'd walked into the trial lab I thought I'd walked onto the set of the Open University) looked extremely nervous when they told me the result.
I asked them what it meant. I had a pretty good idea, but they were looking nervous and I was feeling mean, so I made them explain it.
Well, they said, the Miller-Collins scale measures deviancy from social norms and mores, and the higher you score, the more deviant you are. You, they said, are so deviant that we're not comfortable being in the same room as you. Next to you, corkscrews look untwisted. If you'd scored just 2 points higher standard procedure is to shoot you with a tranquiliser dart and transfer you to a secure mental institution.
I nodded and smiled. I see, I said. And how will this affect my application for a mortgage?
Since your mortgage lender required that you take this test, said the first of them, we think you'll probably be turned down.
Hopefully with extreme prejudice said the second one.
I nodded and smiled again. As my mortgage application was for the purchase of a fully equipped S&M dungeon with a business licence I rather thought I'd be accepted joyfully. And I had recognised the second one already, as a regular visitor to one of the dungeons I already owned.
Odd how everybody's normal until you label them....

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