Cooking the book

Right, so like, I'm totes going to do this this time. I figured out that what all you lovely readers want, out there in reader-land with your glasses and your flat shoes and your hair all tied back in buns like sexy librarians but without the sexy. You want a blogger (bloggette maybe? Or bloggess?) who's going to take a major cookbook and cook their way through it, one recipe at a time, telling you all about the trials and tribulations along the way. That's like, so radical. I remember when I first starting watching Sex and the City, that's just so the kind of thing that the ugly girl would have done. Oh, get me! What would SJP say!!
But then I totes had a look around on the intertubes thingy, and there's so many people already doing it! And they've picked such weird books too, like they've gone for books that make food that only poor people eat, or books that only cook things that aren't food. There's this one blog where the poor women spent four and a half-day using a hair-dryer on this paste of olives and anchovies that she'd made and then foamed using hydrogen gas that blew part of her kitchen up! At the end of it she keeled over dead with exhaustion and now her husband's continuing the blog in her memory, only he can't cook properly and doesn't know how to use a knife, so his spelling's getting worse and worse and he keeps chopping fingers off and he's worried he's going to lose his job as a concert pianist soon, and... wait! This is my blog, not his-hers! They can go and buy google ads to bring people to their pages just like all the rest of the poor-people.
So I needed something different, something that would stand my blog out in exactly the way I stand out in a nightclub, or SJP stands out in every scene she's in in SATC. So I figured I'd pick someone else's blog and cook everything they do, and then explain how they got it all wrong. Darryl says it's a meta-commentary and a sad reflection of the parroting parity of modern life, but I think he'd been eating the cleaner's brownies when he said that, and she makes them with things I don't think are ingredients. Bless her, she thinks she's Mexican too.
So I had a look around and I found this woman who says she's on television and cooks there, and she does all this "semi-homemade" cooking which is like where she buys the stuff from the supermarket (oh my god!! Who goes to a supermarket themselves?! That's what Rosalita, the cleaner is for, when the catering company have underdelivered!!) and then hides all the packaging. And I'm like, I can totally do this.
So, on her blog she makes this "semi-homemade" beans on toast, and this sounded like a good place to start. I got my coat, got my servant-beating stick, and headed to F&M.
"Make beans on toast!" I said imperiously to the girl behind the counter, who looked at me like she was going to answer back. I thought quickly, what would SJP do? So I smacked her with the servant-beating stick and repeated my demand.
It turns out that they don't do that on the shop-floor, so they took me into the manager's office and I told the security guard to jump to it and get it done. He's left to go and do that, and I'm taking this opportunity to write all this up for you. You lucky, lucky, unsexy librarian readers you!