February 23rd 2013. Report by Sylvain Samathan on [REDACTED]. Classified [REDACTED].
Synopsis: the experiments that have been performed as part of this research project have been successful, though that success is qualified rather than outright. The indications are that, given additional research funding, the results from these experiments can be extended and improved on, and that the overall goal is, as expected, achievable within a reasonable time frame and without excessive fiscal costs.
Recommendations: 1) a new research proposal should be submitted with a clear roadmap for achieving the goal. This report will make clear that there is a well-defined road that should reach the goal in three months or less, and that set-backs that have occurred during the current research phase are all avoidable given adequate project management.
2) A new project manager should be provided as the old one is dead. The new project manager should be uncurious about the physical aspects of the experiments and inclined to stick to managing spreadsheets, timesheets, and the occasional team outing to bowling alleys, cheap-ticket movies and pot-lucks.
3) A safety protocol regarding the storage of fissile material should be implemented as a priority. While the research team appreciates the government’s enthusiasm for this project and their willingness to supply materials of excellent utility and questionable provenance, there is a lack of experience of handling such materials and their care and storage. A safety protocol is the minimum recommended strategy, and if a security officer familiar with these kinds of materials could be supplied as well we are sure that research will go faster.
4) A padlock is recommended for the poisons cupboard, the key to be held by the uncurious project manager.
Experimental methodology: Standard methods were used for the majority of experiments, with new methods only being invented when there was either 1) a clear need for them, or 2) no precedent in the area to provide guidance. All experimental methods were submitted to the Ethics committee and their recommendations treated as absolute requirements. We would like to note at this juncture that there was some doubt amongst the members of the team that the Ethics committee were entirely qualified or suited to their job, and that some of their decisions were either irrational, ill-thought-through, or both. In particular, Lady Agatha [REDACTED] seemed only concerned about the possible environmental effects on seagulls, and Mr. [REDACTED] the [REDACTED] was very hard to waken during meetings, yet voted enthusiastically and with vociferous opinion.
Revisions have been made to the methods of calculations after it was discovered that the standard method provided in [1,2] and  had a typo in the logarithmic method. This lead, unfortunately, to the prediction of fatalities to be out by a factor of 1,000, meaning that an experiment was performed with the expectation of 0.1% fatalities (rounded to 0 individuals), 3.4% serious injuries (rounded to 0 people), 12.8% minor injuries (rounded to 2 people, with the anticipation being that it would be the rather more replaceable janitorial team that would take the losses) and 18.9% transient injuries (such as bruising, hysterical blindness and pregnancy) (rounded to 5 people, of which none were women, as a precaution). In actuality the fatality rate was 100%, as should have been predicted. Interestingly, the other percentages did correctly predict the degree of damage done to the corpses, and we are applying for a separate grant to study how accurate these percentages are and if they can be used by the clean-up crews to anticipate the levels of disinfection needed after [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED].
Tools have finally been found that are capable of handling [REDACTED] without dissolution or subsequent corruption. These are described in Appendix A. It should be noted that the design of these tools is, surprisingly, of utmost importance. Additionally, where angles appear to add up to an excess the manufacturers should expect that this will be possible provided they follow the steps in the order given. We hope to have another paper published explaining this after the team’s mathematician is released from the psychiatric ward.
Precautions: 1) Do not look at any of the subjects except through the goggles (Design 1, section 4.2). The optic nerve appears to be a infection vector for some or all of them.
2) Do not attempt to stem an escape with bare flesh.
3) Do not attempt to squash any of the subjects with items of clothing, footwear, or beakers of sulphuric acid on the countertop. (Note that the acid was effective in halting the escape, but the scientist involved lost both hands and was in severe pain from bone and nerve damage until [REDACTED] and fed to [REDACTED].)
4) Monosodium glutamate in crystalline form must not be allowed into any area where the subjects will be studied.
Details of experiment 1
[REDACTED. To read more of this paper please present yourself, your credentials, and at least one family member with power of attorney to [REDACTED] between [REDACTED] and 5pm. There will be a [REDACTED] and failure to [REDACTED] will [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]].