Feng shui police

 Bill and Ben, gentlemen thieves, were standing together outside an Edwardian townhouse. Bill lifted a cast-iron door-knocker shaped like a gargoyle’s head with a protruding tongue and let it fall against its iron plate with a loud clack.

“Noisy and unpleasant,” said Ben thoughtfully.  “Strange that this took off as a way to knock on a door, don’t you think?”  Bill lifted the knocker and let it fall again.

“I guess it’s easier than using your knuckles,” he said.  “More comfortable, maybe?”

“A doorbell has to be better though.”

Bill considered this, tilting his head slightly to one side like a dog waiting for a treat.  “Depends,” he said at last.  “I mean, some of those doorbells that play tunes, for instance….”

“Effing horrible,” said Ben, and the door swung open to reveal a short woman in a beige dress adorned with a large flower-print pattern.  “Not you, of course, ma’am.”

“Feng Shui police,” said Bill with a broad smile.  He offered her a little leather wallet containing some official looking laminated cards and photo-id.

“I didn’t call the police,” said the woman holding the wallet in one hand and looking confused.  She looked at Ben and frowned.  “What’s so horrible then?” she asked.  Bill gently removed the wallet, which she still hadn’t looked at, from her hand and slipped into an inside pocket.

“Well,” said Ben in the tone of someone who has a long list of things to go through and is glad to have been asked about it.  Bill poked him in the side before he could go any further.

“We were discussing another case, milady,” he said, “and since that’s police business we can’t very well tell you about it.  You didn’t overhear any of it did you?  Only if you did we’ll have to arrest you.”

“No!  I— I don’t know why you’re here.  I didn’t call the police!”

“No, your madamship,” said Bill who was getting curious to see if she would react to any of the titles he was bestowing on her.  “This is a prophylactic visit.  We’re here before you need to call us, you see.”

“No?”

“There’s been a disturbance in the force,” said Ben, grinning.  The woman in the doorway looked at him again, still frowning.  He was wearing a suit, but when she squinted it looked like it might be a very faint leopardskin print on it, despite its ordinary-seeming grey colour.  “We’ve been called out, though by not you as you’ve so helpfully told us.  Twice.  Because there is a feng shui problem building up, located inside this building, and we need to defuse… heh, even diffuse… it before it gets to be a serious problem and you have to call you out to deal with it.”

“I don’t understand,” said the woman.  She looked back at Bill, hoping that he would make more sense.  He smiled at her again and she started to feel like an orchid caught in a spotlight, and wilted a touch.

“Feng shui,” said Bill.  “You know, the flow of chi around a property.  Good fortune and prosperity when you get it right, and bad luck and dragons of foreshadowed doom when you get it wrong.  Firecrackers in February if everything’s good or fireballs in your fireplace if it’s not.  That kind of thing.”

“…help?” said the woman.  She crossed her arms across her chest and then uncrossed them, looking dejected, when Ben tutted at her.

“Crossed arms,” he said, shaking his head gently as though reprimanding an eager but misguided child.  “That’s never a good sign in a house with bad feng shui.”

“What?”

“Can we come in, please?” asked Bill.  His smile seemed to notch up another level and became dazzling.

“No,” said the woman.  “I’m not the owner, I’m the housekeeper.  I… you’ll need to wait for Miss Trevelyan to return.”

“No time,” said Ben.  He started patting the pockets of his suit and as the light rippled across it the woman in the doorway started to feel a little dizzy.  “Ah, here we go!”  He produced something the size and shape of a smartphone from a pocket that didn’t seem to have been big enough for it and waved it at her.  “This is a feng-shui meter.  It will tell us how high the negative energy levels here are.”

“Don’t forget to calibrate it first,” said Bill.

“Oops,” said Ben.  He tapped the screen and it lit up, and he swiped at something on it.  The woman in the doorway craned her neck to try and see it more clearly but every time she moved Ben turned away, waving the device around in the air as though trying to get a signal.  “Aha,” he said after a moment, and suddenly shoved the device under her nose.  She recoiled, startled, and then looked at the screen.  All she could see was a large, bright-green, number: 132.

“Is that bad?” she said, feeling nervous.

“Very,” said Ben, nodding like a priest at confession.  “The scale only goes up to 150.”

“Oh!”

“When will Miss Trevelyan be back?” asked Bill. He sounded concerned.

“Um, Tuesday, I think,” said the woman.  “She doesn’t always tell me when she’s planning on returning, but she definitely said it would be mid-week.”

“I don’t think we can wait till Tuesday, your madamliness,” said Bill.  Still no reaction from the woman.  “Perhaps you can let us in if you escort us?  If you’re with us everywhere while we sort this out, then it’s not like we alone in the building.”

“I don’t think that’s the point,” said the woman, but she was sounding uncertain.  Bill pressed home what looked like an advantage.

“Are there things in the house that would be of interest to the police then?” he said.  “I mean, we’d rather not leave feng shui levels this high unattended, but we can go and get a warrant if there’s something that you’re trying to hide.”

“Won’t take more than a couple of hours,” said Ben.  “Levels this high ought to be a public emergency if only more people knew about them.”

“And us,” said Bill.  “We’re the forgotten side of the police force you know.”

“No?” said the woman.  She took a step backwards.

“That’s the problem, you see.”

“There’s nothing illegal in this house!”  The woman rallied, taking a step forward again and remembering what Bill had been insinuating.

“Then there shouldn’t be a problem with you showing us round and us showing you what the problem is then, should there?” asked Bill.

The woman looked at Ben for guidance and then wished she hadn’t.  He was tapping at the device and it was flashing and beeping now.

“That sounds bad?” she said, hesitantly.

“Very,” agreed Ben.

“You have to stay with me at all times,” said the woman at last.  “No getting out my sight.  And I need a written report from you saying that you were here and why you were here.”

“Of course,” said Bill, his smile beaming at her and making her feel even more dizzy.  “No trouble at all.  Would you like me to write it out now, before we come in?”

“No,” said the woman.  “No, let’s just get this over with.”