Sunday 5 June 2011

Interview with a bus driver

"You got up at 5am? Why did you get up then?"
I had to get to work, didn't I? The company wants you at the depot a half-hour before you take the bus out. 'Cos they're cretins, innit? None of them get into that office till 9.
"What did you do after you got up?"
Shit, shower and shave. It's not a Tuesday, so there's no Spunk.
"Ah, thank-you for that. 'Ablutions' would have been just fine."
A blue what?
"After you had... made yourself ready, what did you do then?"
Bleeding Nora, you're worse than the wife was when she was alive. Why do you keep asking all these stupid questions, eh? I had breakfast, which, 'cos I know you're only going to ask, was a scotch egg I found in the fridge. No, I don't know who put it there.
"Your wife, who died after being hit by your sit-and-ride lawnmower two years ago?"
Yeah. Dunno how it happened, but your lot came round and asked a bunch of bloody stupid questions and all. I wasn't here, and she was supposed to sitting on the bloody thing, not playing chicken with it. Can I borrow your hanky?
"How did a scotch egg get into your fridge if you didn't put it there? No, you can keep the hanky."
I didn't say I didn't put it there, I just said that I didn't know who put it there. It might have been me. You sure about the hanky guv, it's got this embroidered letter here, looks pricey, like.
"Really, it was very cheap. You keep it. Why wouldn't you know if you put a scotch egg in your fridge or not?"
I forget things, ok? The wife used to keep track of all that kind of stuff, but now... now I come in and find I've bought toilet roll again, third time this week it looks like. I've got the EU toilet roll mountain in my downstairs shitter.
"How did this scotch egg, of let's say indeterminate origin, taste? Did it seem off at all?"
Tasted like an egg with a bit of old sausage round it. Pretty much what you'd expect.
"And how did you feel after eating it?"
Less hungry. Do you have go to university to not know this much?
"...look, yesterday morning you drove a bus into a graveyard and waited patiently while a number of corpses dug themselves out of the ground and got on board. You then took them to the local swimming pool, where they forced their way through the reception desk and went swimming. Where most, but not all, of them dissolved. We're concerned about why you did this, but we're a lot more interested in how you did this. So, please, co-operate a little more before we get the bloody thumbscrews out!"

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