Monday 26 September 2011

Why are you here?

Ah!  You!  I wasn't… I mean, you're early.  I think.  Actually, no, I don't have any names down here on the allocations register… why are you here?
Well yes, I suppose it is your office, and if you want to take that tone with me, then yes I suppose you do have every right to be here.  I wasn't aware that they'd reallocated it though, they usually leave it a little longer after a death.
You didn't know about that?  Jonathon, I think, or was it William?  A boring name, and a boring little man.  He was still in here when they started fumigating the office and apparently chose not to leave.  Not a great loss, by any means, and I'm sure that if he tries haunting you it'll be more tedious than spooky, but there you go.
Why am I here?  Well, I'm Buddy, your emotional comfort in hard times, your unconscious ego, your spiritual guide to a well-lived corporate life.  I'm here to help you resolve what needs resolution and to show you the way forward when the only way up is down.
Are you ok?  You just repeated the same question again.  I've already told you why I'm here.  Oh?  Seriously, you're asking it a third time?
Fine, well then, why am I here?  As far as I can tell, this is karma, this is the universe's way of telling me off for things I've done in a previous life.  Lives.  What's the mass count noun for multitudes of lives?  Oh never mind, lots of previous lives, anyway.  My task now is simply to help other people see the choices ahead of them.  Much as I'd like to give you the order to fire… I mean, much as I'd like to ensure that you make the right choices, that's out of my hands.  All I can do is make sure that you're aware that you have a choice, and that sometimes, some choices are better than others.  Not that chair, it squeaks.
Why are you here?  Well, that's a harder question, and I'm assuming that you won't just be satisfied with the glib "It's your office, and Williathon or whatever his name was needs someone to haunt"?  I didn't think so.  Well, it's a cruel and uncaring universe out there, and there are various spirits that amuse themselves by shepherding people in certain ways.  So there are spirits that have classically been called angels who try to guide people towards opportunities in life, to push them to make choices that allow them to achieve things, either for themselves or for humanity as a whole, that improve the lot of the human race.  Bear in mind that these angels don't care about the people they choose; if they see that your death will result in an improvement of quality-of-life for millions of others, you'll be hounded to jump off a bridge, insult a mob-boss on his birthday, or develop an insatiable hunger for electricity.
Similarly there are spirits that have classically been called demons who simply desire to amuse themselves at humanity's expense, and they can have some very… sophisticated… tastes.  Fall foul of one of them and you might find yourself practising surgery in dark alleys with a rusty can opener.  Possibly on someone else.
Which am I?  I'm neither, I'm a spiritual guide and confidante, I'm someone who's used by other spirits, the neutral, overlooked spirits, to give people options.  Not that tie, you look like you're going to the opera.
Why am I here?  Again?  Today, mostly, I'm here because my last job, though successful, hasn't produced the right kind of ghost for the haunting we'll need here in a couple of weeks time.  Ah, you look worried now; how right you are at last….

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