Saturday, 22 October 2011

Buddy jobs

Ah, there you are.  You ought to check your watch when I say that, you know.  Otherwise you don't look quite – ah, let's say dedicated – enough.  And you're late.
Well, you might feel that ten to nine is good enough, but it's not really, not at this level.  You need to be seen being here before everyone else, and be seen leaving after everybody else.  You have your own office, it's not as though you can't spend three or four hours a day doing your own thing.  Except not that thing with your hands and the magazine in the locked drawer of your desk.  That's starting to upset the cleaners.  We know because of the hidden camera in the ceiling tiles.  Well, you'll only be able to prove that it's an intrusion into your privacy if you can find the camera, won't you?
Well, thank-you for asking at last!  I'm Buddy, your guide to corporate culture and the fast track up the greasy pole to the top.  What?  Well yes, most people do find greasy poles rather hard to climb, that's why you need a guide.  And why getting to the top is so worthwhile, and yet so hard.
Your problem, you see, is that you don't work enough.  At this stage of your career you should be empire building, creating a foundation for later on when you'll be able to spend your days drinking coffee, doing the crossword, and occasionally getting some exercise on the golf-course.  What?  Wives are expendable, and, if she's the woman in the picture on your desk then you're going to want to trade her in in the next year or two anyway.  Start simple, get a trophy wife; go for someone with an attractive but fatal wasting disease.  There are some excellent ones available from the right kind of package holiday tour to Africa or South America these days, and you get the benefit of having someone on your arm who makes Victoria Beckham look like a fat heifer and knowing that in two or three years time you'll be able to upgrade again, guilt free.  In fact, make mutual life-insurance policies part of the pre-nup, and you'll even get paid for the upgrade.
Love is a many splendoured thing, to be sure, but it has no place in business.  I can recommend an excellent divorce lawyer for you.  Don't worry, he can find a reason for you to get a divorce.  Actually, if you've got any kind of impotence, that would help a lot.  You haven't?  Well, there's no need to take that tone, I was only asking.  Well, yes, you do look a bit impotent, now you ask.  No, I'm not leaving, not until we've finished talking.
About your working; there's a job you were informed about yesterday in your department.  No, I'm not suggesting you change jobs, I'm suggesting you do two at once.  No, really.
Well yes, it is more work, but you seem happy to turn up at ten to nine, so there's at least two hours of the day you're missing out on.  Come in at seven, go home at seven, skip lunch and you've got nearly a full working day there.  The job's in the same department, so we can acheive synergies and economies from overlaps, and you can easily do both jobs as once.  And, – and this is the key point here! – you deprive someone else from that job.
To successfully build an empire you need to have control.  If you manage multiple jobs, then you can appoint your own people to take out parts of your work, which means that you can end-run the whole recruitment process and steadily fill the department with people who owe their jobs to you.  And when the department is full, you know that it is loyal to you, and if you do it right (I suggest weekly indoctrination meetings) they are loyal only to you.  And then you have people to stand on to help you ascend the greasy pole.
There's another advantage: those people you deprive of jobs while you're doing two or more once: they can then be hired by you privately for a pittance, essentially as slave labour.  They can walk dogs for you, babysit for you, cuckold you to help you get that divorce, and sleep with the stick-insect trophy wife for you since people who are all bones are rarely fun in bed.  You can gradually erode their pay, partly as a function of inflation, and partly because as you tread them down they become more passive and accepting, until you have slaves in a very real sense of the word.  And slave labour can be trained as a private militia.
Ah, I see you're interested now.  Shall we start then by filling out this job application form, and discussing how you're going to convince your boss that you should do both jobs?  Excellent....

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