Competitive housing

 “We mixed magnolia paint with crematorium ash for the walls,” said David Laburnum-Racke as he walked alongside the Minister.  He gestured casually with one hand, being careful, as the Minister noted, not to actually touch the wall.  “We found that the colour was mostly soothing, but ever so slightly upsetting.  People approve of the corridors but there is a tendency for them not to linger in them.  We reduced the amount of time people spent outside their offices by a little under 20% through this.”  They passed a man sitting on a stool holding a clipboard and a stopwatch.  He nodded to them as they passed in a friendly manner.  The Minister ignored him as he wasn’t on the list of people that he was there to visit, and David stopped only to look over the clipboard.

“Is crematorium ash easy to come by?” asked the Minister.  He was due to spend a further 13 minutes with David and he had run out of conversation two corridors back.

“Surprisingly, yes,” said David.  “While the crematoria do attempt to provide people with all the ashes of their relatives the oven do still need sweeping out at the end of the day.  And then there are the unclaimed; we can get all of their ash.  We’ve been considering charging the crematoria for the service of removing it for them.”

The Minister nodded and then halted.  Behind them his Aide, a woman who’s job was largely to keep his ideas away from anyone but his Cabinet, looked concerned.

“We want to announce a new housing initiative,” said the Minister.  The Aide looked less concerned but still seemed ready to interject.  “Until the country has wintered its discontent it seems likely we’ll need new housing.  And when we eventually find a way to backtrack on Brexit without admitting anything so crass as culpability we will probably be able to fill any excess from the… ah, toughening that the country is going through this winter.”

David, two of whose neighbours had already frozen to death because they couldn’t afford the power bills, nodded.  He was fully aware what the Minister was talking about.

“That said, new housing should support the new ideas of the new government.  We should not be seen to be pandering to the people, and we definitely cannot be seen to be being soft.  So an initiative is taking shape: competitive housing.  The Cabinet is still in discussions with the TV production companies, but we think it should be possible to have housing that you can live in until you fail a challenge.  Or maybe two, that’s still up in the air.  And I think the paint you’re describing would be a useful interior feature of our housing.”

“Competitive housing?” David toyed with the word in his head.  It sounded intriguing, in much the same way as many of the Minister’s policies were intriguing until you realised they were life-threatening, maiming, or mentally and emotionally destructive.

“Antisocial housing was deemed too negative,” said the Aide.  She seemed to have relaxed completely now.

“Let’s paint all the common areas in the new housing with magnolia-ash paint,” said the Minister.  “Perhaps we could even use it to direct people through the corridors and public spaces, subtly.  Ah!  We could leave areas like the bike-sheds and car-parks generally open and warm so that the homeless are simultaneously attracted and repelled.”

“I thought the government was disposing of the homeless,” said David.  The Aide flashed him a quick smile.

“Well, the competitive housing is primarily aimed at removing the homeless and creating homes for them,” said the Minister.  “Though many of them seem not to want permanent homes, which is why we think the idea of them having to pass challenges to stay is interesting.  It allows them to move around and try out the various accommodations without us appearing to hound them.  Plus, you can vote on who gets to be kicked out for being too competitive.”

“I think we agreed that ‘antisocial’ was the better word for that,” said the Aide.

“Did we?  Oh right, we did.  That’s fine.  Do you have any other anti-human innovations here?”

David looked a tiny bit taken aback.  “Oh, we don’t use that word,” he said huffily.  “We prefer pro-work.”

“Of course, naturally!”

“Well, we have created carpets that cause painful build-ups of static electricity when you walk across them,” said David, assured now that he had a willing audience.  “It discourages people from leaving their desks, but also punishes them just a little when the leave.”

“Capital!” said the Minister.  “Ah, I think our time is up.  Tell my Aide all about these ideas, and I’m sure we’ll be adopting them.”