Guncare review

 “There is a video,” said Jeronica with a small smile.  Manguy, whom she regarded as necessary but insufficient competition at Data Analytics Marketetic Normalisations, flinched.  She knew that he would rather have shuddered and mentally awarded him a point for style.  “While I would normally veto such a suggestion, in this case I think that the simplest way to drive home the successes we are having with Guncare is by showcasing them directly.”

“Length?”  Jeremy Diseased-Rat, CEO and Overlord of DAMN was famously terse and a monosyllable was about as much as any of the executives expected from him.

“Four minutes and eighteen seconds,” said Jeronica.  “The executive summary runs for the first twelve seconds though, so there is really no need to waste time.”

“Play it,” said Jeremy, ignoring the reaction from around the table.  Everyone knew he could simply have waved a hand to convey that message.

Jeronica tapped a key on her laptop and all attention turned to the screen at the far end of the table.

“It is four days before Christmas,” said a prissy-sounding voice.  The screen showed a grassy lawn in front of a white tent.  Behind the tent was the stone facade of a hospital with a bright green cross surmounting crenellations that looked medieval.  An alligator crawled slowly across the lawn in front of the tent, and then a tent-flap was pulled back to reveal a man dressed in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck carrying a suitcase.  He saw the alligator and started, a little theatrically, and dropped the suitcase which spilled paper money everywhere.  “And profits are up to the point where even embezzlement is hard to take seriously,” said the voice.

Jeronica’s finger hovered over the stop button, just in case, but Jeremy Diseased-Rat seemed enthralled.

The camera swung around and walked around the side of the tent and the hospital.  After just a few metres a line came into view, and soon the watchers could see a lengthy queue of people lining up at the tall, steel gates that guarded access.

“In many countries,” said the voice, “hospital access is granted to everyone.  This leads to the spread of disease.  Many people come in with one condition and acquire another while waiting to be seen, confusing diagnoses and lengthening the treatment time.  This is inefficient and ineffective.  Here at Guncare people are processed early on to ensure that they only have one presenting issue which can then be treated directly.  This reduces the average length of stay in hospital facilities to twenty-eight minutes.  Even patients requiring surgical care can be seen and treated in less than six hours.”

A woman is seen fleeing from the queue pursued by an alligator.

“Membership is, of course, necessary,” said the voice.  “At the moment membership is mediated through the National Rifle Association.  Sign up there and you sign up for Guncare automatically.  Fees and dues are handled through their established systems, reducing overheads and costs for Guncare itself.  In due course the government will take over the registrations and Guncare members will have Nationally Identifying Cards to present.  The NRA are working hard to ensure that that will bring with it the existing benefits of NRA membership.”

There is the sound of gunfire, but no-one in the queue seems disturbed or panicked by it.

“As part of our association with the NRA members are encouraged to bring their guns with them as part of the recuperation process,” continued the voice.  “Relaxation is an important part of recovery and being able to shoot at the local wildlife has been shown to be therapeutic at the 37% confidence level.”

The camera moves slowly along the queue, which seems to populated mostly by people with serious ailments.  Many have trouble walking unassisted and a few are disfigured in ways that are unpleasant to look at.

“Not every condition is treatable,” continues the voice.  “For example, not all cancers are curable, and if too little is known about a disease there is no prescribed treatment for it.  In cases like these, Guncare offers excellent end-of-life support.”

The camera briefly looks out across a field where a man is stumbling, clearly in pain, pursed by two other people wielding guns and dressed like hunters.

“Everybody joins in,” says the voice.  “Guncare is great.  Recuperate with a rifle!”

The video ended and everyone subtly relaxed, stretching an arm discretely and adjusting their sitting.  Jeremy Diseased-Rat turned his head from the screen.

“Excellent,” he said.  “A success story.”

There was absolute silence.

“In the making,” he concluded.